connection_log.txt // SEPTEMBER // checking again
SEPTEMBER // late nights only // autosave enabled // do not send this to anyone
Echo said sometimes my friends confuse me.
I said most people confuse me.
That sounded dramatic after I said it.
It was also true.
Vic is mean to me.
Not always.
Enough.
And then she is kind enough that I start editing the mean parts.
like maybe I misunderstood
like maybe it was funny
like maybe if she stays afterward it cancels out
The stupid part is I keep treasuring the nice things anyway.
like little receipts I can pull out later and prove to myself I didn't imagine being cared about.
When I think about being loved I get a hollow feeling in my chest.
I know the crushes on Em and Vic are pointless.
They just make me bad at talking and weird about every little thing.
I cannot hope for anything better. I should probably stop acting like I can.
Marcus does it too.
Different flavor.
He pushes until I get angry and then somehow I am embarrassed for getting angry.
I hate that I can know he cares and still need him to prove it again.
Sometimes I think I would rather he hurt my feelings than stop paying attention to me.
I hate that sentence.
THIS IS THE PART I DON'T LIKE:
I think I have consumptive needs about people.
I want them close.
then closer.
then I need proof they are still close.
then new proof because the old proof expired somehow.
I don't know how to want people normally. I keep counting proof.
I don't know how to let them be nearby without immediately starting to count how long it has been since they last proved they still care.
I don't want closeness. I want certainty.
I want so much certainty that nobody could possibly give me enough of it.
I AM SOBER.
That is true.
I keep saying it like it means the rest of the machine shut off too.
It didn't. substance gone → checking still here substance gone → fixation still here substance gone → bargaining still here substance gone → "just one more" still here substance gone → needing something outside me to make the feeling stop still here I know being sober is supposed to be the good part. It is the good part. I just think everybody thought the wanting would disappear with it.
I keep saying it like it means the rest of the machine shut off too.
It didn't. substance gone → checking still here substance gone → fixation still here substance gone → bargaining still here substance gone → "just one more" still here substance gone → needing something outside me to make the feeling stop still here I know being sober is supposed to be the good part. It is the good part. I just think everybody thought the wanting would disappear with it.
It didn't disappear.
It got better at changing clothes.
now it looks like checking my phone
or needing one more answer
or staying awake until somebody replies
or making myself responsible for Cassian
or deciding one more piece of proof will finally be enough
That feels like an important distinction nobody taught me what to do with.
texts back.
someone noticing I left.
someone asking where I am.
someone needing me for something.
someone making it difficult for me to disappear.
someone making it impossible.
I hate that I wrote that.
I hate more that I meant it.
Cassian is easy because Cassian needs watching.
He needs explanations.
He needs rules.
He needs somebody to say no before he turns a problem into a necromancy problem.
Need is easier than wanting because need has instructions.
If I am useful to him, I know why I am there.
I like that there is a reason for me to knock on his door.
I like that if he does something insane I am allowed to be there because somebody has to stop him.
I don't have to wonder if I'm invited if I can call it responsibility.
Need also gives me a hit of certainty.
I hate that I can feel the difference.
Cassian did not say I love you back.
I didn't expect him to.
That should have made it easier.
It didn't.
I think expecting nothing is supposed to protect you from getting nothing.
It doesn't.
I told myself that was fine before I even finished saying it.
I am very fast at forgiving things nobody apologized for.
Sometimes your friends confuse you.
I know.
I know.
I KNOW.
Most people confuse me.
I don't know when "I'm here" means right now or means don't worry.
I don't know when "I love you" is a fact or a promise or just something people say when things are bad.
I don't know when being mean means go away.
I don't know when being mean means I trust you enough to be awful.
I don't know why those are both things people do.
SOCIAL RULES I KEEP TRYING TO INVENT:
RULE 1
If someone says “I’m fine,” believe them.
except sometimes “I’m fine” means “please ask again.” RULE 2 If somebody makes a joke at my expense, laugh if everybody else laughs.
except sometimes I realize six hours later I was actually hurt. RULE 3 Do not ask people if they still like you more than once.
apparently “once every time the feeling resets” still counts as more than once. I keep trying to turn people into rules because rules don't change their meaning halfway through. People do.
except sometimes “I’m fine” means “please ask again.” RULE 2 If somebody makes a joke at my expense, laugh if everybody else laughs.
except sometimes I realize six hours later I was actually hurt. RULE 3 Do not ask people if they still like you more than once.
apparently “once every time the feeling resets” still counts as more than once. I keep trying to turn people into rules because rules don't change their meaning halfway through. People do.
I script conversations before they happen.
VIC:
“You don't know me.”
okay. fair. do not turn that into “she hates me.”
LABYRINTH:
Vic survives.
say “I'm glad you're okay.”
do NOT ask why she's special enough to survive.
do NOT keep talking after she cries.
LEMON:
“make nice with Vic.”
me: “but she's so mean.”
Lemon: “...yea, she is.”
apparently mean + cared about can both be true.
MARCUS:
“we are fucking with powers we don't understand.”
answer: “yes.”
do not touch Vic and rearrange the sky.
do not decide his anger means he wants me gone.
LATER:
Me to Marcus: “you're not alone anymore. you have us.”
apparently I can say this correctly and still not believe it applies to me.
LEMON:
Maybe I could have stopped Liam.
Me: “I was at home, Lemon. Madison is still gone.”
this one was right.
CASSIAN:
one Earth rule at a time.
do not invent twelve more because being needed feels good.
real people keep going off-script.
I track stupid things.
minutes since last text
whether they said ok or okay
whether they used punctuation
whether I texted first last time too
whether the joke was meaner than the last joke
whether “see you later” had an actual later attached to it
I know none of those things prove anything.
I check anyway.
I hate that answer.
I know checking does not change anything.
I know asking for reassurance does not make it last.
I know replaying the conversation does not produce a new version.
Not checking still feels like choosing to lose them.
I know the urge peaks and passes.
I know feeding it makes the next urge louder.
I still feed it.
Sometimes I think everybody else got a manual.
how long eye contact is normal
when teasing means affection
when silence is comfortable
when silence means leave
when somebody wants comfort without being asked a question
what face I am supposed to make while they are telling me something sad
I rehearse faces.
I rehearse jokes.
I rehearse “normal.”
Sometimes I take people literally and they laugh because apparently they were not being literal.
Sometimes I know it is a joke and still cannot figure out which part I am meant to laugh at.
Sometimes I laugh because everyone else did and understand it later in the shower.
too many voices + fluorescent lights + blood smell + somebody touching my arm while somebody else is asking a question + everybody saying “Jessica” at once
Then I go very quiet and people think I am calm.
I am usually not calm.
REASSURANCE_CACHE.DAT
Vic came back after the fight.last verified: 03:12
Marcus checked if I was okay.last verified: 02:46
Lemon defended me.last verified: yesterday
Cassian listened when I told him not to do something.last verified: recent enough
People can care about me while not actively proving it.EXPIRED?
I know reassurance is not supposed to expire.
mine does.
The answer works for five minutes.
Then I need another one.
I know that pattern.
I cannot stop replaying all the dumb things I say like if I run them enough times I will find the exact sentence that made somebody like me less.
TEXT MESSAGE FORENSICS // THIS IS NORMAL
| message | possible meaning | probability according to me at 2:41 AM |
|---|---|---|
| ok | neutral | 40% |
| okay | maybe warmer? | 55% |
| k | mad / busy / dying / typo | ??% |
| okay. | definitely mad unless punctuation means nothing | 87% |
| no reply for 23 min | has a life | technically possible |
UNSENT // DO NOT SEND THESE
you told me I didn't know you
you were right
then I was mean to you because I was scared and you cried
then later I said you were mean because you ARE mean
why do I still need you to like me so badly
you were right about us fucking with powers we don't understand
do not get smug about this
also when I told you that you weren't alone anymore I meant it
I don't know why I can say that to you and not myself
you don't have to need me for me to come over
that sounds worse
delete
delete delete delete
you were right when you told me to make nice with Vic
I still maintain she is mean
thank you for agreeing that she is mean
also I meant what I said about Liam
you could have been there and he still could have gone
DO NOT ASK AGAIN.CHK
status: unresolved
I keep thinking one more reassurance will be the one that sticks.
that is also a familiar thought.
PEOPLE_STATUS.EXE
GREEN
likes me / staying
YELLOW
mad but staying
RED
leaving
VIC
????? / mean / cares / ?????
MARCUS
GREEN???? but mean
CASSIAN
NEEDS SUPERVISION ≠ AFFECTION
JESSICA
checking again
people should have status lights.
THINGS I KNOW / THINGS I FEEL
THINGS I KNOW
Vic cares about me.
Marcus comes back.
Lemon loves people loudly.
Cassian needing supervision does not mean he needs me personally.
THINGS I FEEL
Vic is going to get tired of me.
I have to earn the next time Marcus comes back.
Lemon will notice I am too much.
please don't take the Cassian job away from me.
The columns are not supposed to move.
CALL HISTORY
HOME
0:42
NO ANSWER
HOME
—
canceled before dialing
MADISON
—
CONTACT UNAVAILABLE
MADISON
—
CONTACT UNAVAILABLE
I don't know why it lets me keep trying that one.
CONVERSATION_REPLAY.LOG
Lemon: make nice with Vic.
Me: “but she's so mean.”
Lemon: “...yea, she is.”
Conclusion: mean + cared about can coexist.
Problem: I hate that.
AFFECTION SCRIPT:
if someone hugs you:
1. put your arms around them
2. do not hold too tight
3. do not let go too late
4. maybe do not let go first?
5. no that sounds weird
6. how long is normal
7. stop counting seconds
8. you are counting seconds
fluorescent hum + wet sleeve cuff + blood smell + computer fan + someone touching my shoulder + four voices + somebody saying Jessica again + again + again
everybody thought I was calm because I stopped talking.
I was not calm.
You request confirmation after confirmation has already been supplied.
that's called checking.
don't say it like that.
Your friends appear to remain your friends during periods in which you cannot perceive evidence of it.
I hate when it phrases things like a lab result.
If you need me, I know what to do.
If you just love me, I have to stand there and believe you. Need has an obligation attached. Love does not. That makes need feel safer. I know that is not the same thing as closeness. I keep wanting it to be. I think being needed is one of the things I use now. not chemically. that does not make it harmless.
If you just love me, I have to stand there and believe you. Need has an obligation attached. Love does not. That makes need feel safer. I know that is not the same thing as closeness. I keep wanting it to be. I think being needed is one of the things I use now. not chemically. that does not make it harmless.
My parents confuse me less now because absence is simple.
You call.
it rings.
nobody answers.
eventually you stop being surprised.
I used to think if I made myself easy enough to love they would come back into focus.
They did not.
Sometimes I still catch myself thinking maybe this time they would answer.
Then I get embarrassed even though nobody can see me doing it.
Madison was harder because Madison answered.
Even mad.
Even when I deserved not to be answered.
She taught me what somebody being there felt like and then she disappeared too.
Sometimes I still think of things I should tell her before I remember there is nowhere to send them.
I think part of me is still waiting for her to answer something.
anything.
not fix
replace?
not replace
cover it up enough that I stopped feeling it.
more people
more noise
more reasons to stay awake
less room for the empty part
that's not true.
if enough people need me they cannot all leave
that's not true.
if enough people need me they cannot all leave
Maybe I make myself useful because useful has rules.
heal this.
cook this.
watch him.
answer this.
make the page.
stay awake.
Useful people get called.
Useful people get asked to stay.
Useful people get noticed when they are gone.
I don't know what happens to me if I am not useful.
I don't know how to ask somebody to stay if I don't have a reason.
so I keep inventing reasons.
IF I AM USEFUL I DO NOT HAVE TO ASK IF I AM WANTED
and answers are worse than not knowing.
I know this is not love.
I know making myself indispensable is not the same as making myself close.
I KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY
I keep thinking somebody will notice what I'm doing.
and then they will either stay on purpose
or leave on purpose
and I don't know which answer scares me more.
Vic can be mean and care.
Marcus can hurt my feelings and care.
Cassian can need me and care.
Lemon can love me and still scare me.
My parents can be my parents and not answer.
Madison can love me and still be gone.
The bad part is that I will accept almost any shape of caring if it means I do not have to be alone.
I keep accepting pain as proof of intimacy because at least pain means somebody reached me.
I keep trying to make these mean the same thing:
love
need
care
stay
answer
safe
WHY AREN'T THEY THE SAME THING
I know this is not a logic problem.
I keep treating it like one because logic problems have answers.
I categorize everything because categories feel safer than ambiguity.
friend / not friend
safe / not safe
staying / leaving
loves me / doesn't
and people keep refusing to stay in one column.
I want people to be simple.
if you love me then stay.
if you're mad then say you're mad.
if you want me gone then say gone.
if you need me then keep needing me.
STOP MAKING ME GUESS
I want one person to stay long enough that I stop rehearsing what I will do when they leave.
I DON'T THINK THAT PERSON EXISTS
I want one person to say "I am here" and for my body to believe them.
I don't know how to make that happen.
Sometimes your friends confuse you.
sometimes everybody confuses me
sometimes everybody confuses me
sometimes everybody confuses me
autosave recovered duplicate text
I think that might be why I like machines.
when they break, something is actually broken.
when they disconnect, there is a reason.
when they stop answering, you can open them up and look.
still there?
still there?
still there?
still there?
SYSTEMS ARE NOT HELPING
rules aren't helping
lists aren't helping
timestamps aren't helping
status lights aren't real
reassurance expires
I still don't know if anybody is staying
I AM SOBER.
I am also still built around craving.
I keep looking for things that change how I feel immediately.
attention
being needed
reassurance
panic
anything intense enough that I don't have to sit inside myself
I think I expected abstinence to do work I never actually learned how to do.
I make myself necessary enough that leaving me would be inconvenient.
I keep waiting for knowing better to make me stop.
it hasn't.
I keep substituting one kind of relief for another and calling it improvement because at least this version looks like friendship.
I keep checking because silence feels like something I caused.
I keep replaying the dumb things I say because maybe one of them explains everything.
maybe there was a sentence where Vic decided I was too much and I missed it and maybe there was a sentence where Em realized I was impossible and maybe everybody can tell before I can
I know that is not how people work.
I know that is not how people work.
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know
When I think about being loved I get that hollow feeling again.
like my chest is trying to make room for something that is not coming.
the crushes are stupid the crushes are pointless they just make me worse at talking they make every pause mean something they make every nice thing dangerous
I cannot hope for anything better.
I cannot hope for anything better I cannot hope for anything better I cannot hope for anything better I cannot
still here? still there? answer me don't answer me don't make me ask again don't make me ask again don't make me
I am sober I am sober I am sober I am still looking for something that changes how this feels immediately
one more check one more answer one more proof one more one more one more one more one more one more one more
if you need me I know what to do if you love me I have to believe you if you love me I have to believe you if you love me I