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BANNED, AND STILL BOOKED

Value Menu

Value Menu — No Substitutions Cassette Available Eventually No Major Label Interest
Sometimes Found at the Sound Hole Ask the bartender. Do not ask nicely.
Now Also at Bonus Action Park Summer employment technically counts as a residency.

Value Menu plays cheap punk, damaged pop, noise, and whatever genre happens when four people survive the same song differently.

Why “Value Menu”? Lemon changed the band name to Value Menu. No formal vote was held, no trademark search was completed, and nobody could find a pen quickly enough to object. The name stayed because the new flyers were already copied. Current slogan: no substitutions after midnight.
Under New Creative Control Liam is currently in a different dimension and is therefore unavailable for rehearsals, revisions, arguments about tempo, carrying an amplifier, or saying “that is not how I wrote it.” Creative decisions are now being made by the people who can physically attend practice and remember where practice is. Liam retains the honorary titles of founding member, remote creative consultant.

Empanada

Vocals • Guitar • Bad Ideas With Excellent Hooks

Flirtatious, fearless, and capable of making a song title sound like both a threat and an invitation.

  • Writes songs nobody can comfortably request in public
  • May dedicate a song to you without warning
  • Primary cause of Jessica forgetting how sentences work

Cucumber

Bass • Effects • Selective Invisibility

Cucumber is the bandmate most likely to vanish during load-in and still be the only person who remembered every cable. At least one hand can become invisible. The rest may simply be avoiding work.

  • Handles stealth, bass lines, and side opportunities
  • Can probably enter the venue without paying
  • Do not ask what is currently in the instrument case

Lemon

Musician • Bridge • Human Return Policy

Reckless, chaotic, and much gentler than he wants anyone to notice.

  • Excited to write new music for the Bonus Action Park gig
  • Not a fuck-up; one of the best people in the world
  • Do not offer carrion

Hamburger

Drums • Altitude • Catastrophic Enthusiasm

Couch-diver, airborne punk, and alleged disaster. This assessment was later corrected: Hamburger is not a disaster. Hamburger is truly a gem who occasionally approaches the stage from above.

  • Will clean your house and move in
  • May arrive with Pickles by air
  • Counts in songs at whatever speed feels emotionally correct
Band Name Policy The band is called Value Menu because Lemon said so. The name includes no actual savings, no drink, no fries, and no guarantee that all four members arrive together.
Park Residency Bonus Action Park pays partly in ride vouchers, leftover funnel cake, and the continued privilege of not being escorted off the premises.
Bonus Action Rule Song titles must be submitted to park management before noon so management has enough time to misunderstand them and request a family-friendly version.
Empanada Songs We Are Legally Allowed to List
01 Lesbian Vampires from Outerspace 03:30-ish
02 Clit Dentist (Get Between the Gaps) LOUD
03 [UNRELEASED BONUS ACTION PARK SONG] ??:??
04 Pickles Screeching — Layered Vocal Mix TOO LONG
SIDE A: SONGS
SIDE B: CUCUMBER
BREATHING NEAR A MIC
Any song written by Liam about a person living, dead, missing, duplicated, reconstructed, or otherwise difficult to classify—is considered entirely coincidental by current band management. Vic.

Upcoming Shows

The Sound Hole — Whenever Somebody Cancels Doors at 8. Band at 11. Lemon insists this is technically “on time.”
Bonus Action Park — After the Parade, Before OSHA Exact stage depends on which electrical outlet is still functioning.
Private Birthday Party — Denied Management heard the phrase “family atmosphere” and ended the call.

Merch Table

“I Survived Sound Check” Shirt — $12 Yellow ink on black cotton. Ink may survive longer than the cotton.
Demo Cassette — $4 or a Useful Battery Side A contains music. Side B contains eleven minutes of somebody looking for the stop button.
Band Sticker — $1 Not waterproof, heatproof, childproof, or dimension-proof.
Signed Photograph — $6 Ask kindly and provide pen.

Frequently Shouted Questions

“Is the band really called Value Menu?” Yes. The name is permanent in the sense that 300 flyers already exist.
“Is Liam coming back?” Ask Liam.
“Why is Hamburger on the roof?” Acoustics. Or poor impulse control. The official answer changes by insurance form.
“Can Empanada play the clean version?” No evidence confirms the existence of a clean version.
“Where is Cucumber?” Probably within earshot and increasingly annoyed by the question.
“Is Lemon in charge?” Lemon answered yes. Nobody else was available for comment.
Live shows may contain strobe lights, smoke, profanity, flirting, airborne punks, and one invisible hand.